. [ FoN ] .

#645 - The guy who refuses to scoot at the end of the pew.

Whoa, full house today. Should have gotten to church earlier. I didn’t realize it was going to be so packed. And we would have been here on time if our kids weren’t employing the “Mydo” approach to all articles of clothing and demanding that I don’t help them get ready. Shirt? Mydo! And the head goes through the arm hole. Pants? Mydo! And both legs somehow get crammed into the same side of the pants. Shoes? Mydo! And they go on the wrong feet with the pinky toe poking outside of the boundary of the sandals.

But we’re here now at church and that’s all that matters. Hey, there are some seats in the middle of this row, I’ll just get the guy on the end to scoot in. I’ll just stand here next to him until he looks up and then I’ll ask him to scoot. I’m standing 6 inches away from him, he’s going to look up any second now.

I know you can see me guy. I’m not in your periphery vision right now, I am your periphery vision. I’m that close. Stop pretending I’m not here. I can’t believe this guy, he’s acting like I’m trying to cut in front of him in traffic and he’s giving me the blank stare ahead.

Maybe he won’t scoot, maybe he’s anti-scoot. I accept that, I do. He got here early, he staked out an aisle seat, he’s probably going to sprint out of here to some sort of buffet that has multiple forms of fried chicken. I can respect that. I can, but if you hate scooting, at least pay me the Christian courtesy of rotating your legs fifteen degrees so that I can walk by you to my seat.

Maybe the problem is that this guy doesn’t read Stuff Christians Like. Maybe that’s the real issue here, because if you did, kind sir, you would know the three rules of sitting at the end of the aisle …

- Jonathan Acuff from “Stuff Christians Like”